Sunday, July 6, 2008

Inspired by Memory

I was enjoying a relaxing evening with wonderful friends, fellow seekers of spiritual truth and inner wisdom. Some of us have studied Kathy Oddenino’s Spiritual Philosophy together for over ten years. This past year Kathy’s classes have been focused on understanding ‘hidden memories.’ As we shared our gratitude and appreciation for the value this knowledge has added to our lives, in particular the way our Soul and Spirit Consciousness communicate through these ‘hidden memories,’ a question arose. Why do people resist the concepts and/or value of ‘hidden memories?’ Aren't people curious about memory, deja'vu, and dreams? Could it be because people have not talked openly about them? Or, they just don't believe they have value? As I began to share a past life memory with my friends, I became inspired to create this blog and share my own memories and dreams that have been so important to my self-discovery and ever growing love and appreciation for my life and their role in my evolving mind.

I have experienced many, many dreams, and past-life memories, each and everyone has given me insight, understanding, awareness and contributed greatly to my growth and change. They have enabled me to release fears, to change ignorance, confusion, and denial into understanding, knowledge and acceptance, pressure and stress into peacefulness and joy all of which expands the energy of love within me that I can share out into the world.
As our dialogue progressed I shared one of my earliest memories that changed my life and answered a huge question that nagged at me for years. When my second child was born I wondered why, when this absolutely beautiful baby girl was placed in my arms, I did not feel the same deep bond and sense of knowing her, as I did with my first child. As a mother, this disconnected feeling bothered me. I felt guilty for having those feelings particularly because I loved being a mother. To ease the guilt, I told myself, well you’ve had three years to created this relationship with your first child, so of course it will take time to feel the same about this baby. Be patient and give yourself equal time. So I pushed those thoughts to the back of my mind and didn’t allow myself to think about it for years. Indeed with time our bond of love grew very rapidly to a level of equality for both of my children.

Throughout my parenting years, I became aware of my need to stay emotionally connected to my children, particularly after disciplining them. When they misbehaved and I sent them to their rooms to think about their behavior within five minutes, I would be outside their bedroom door telling them why they were punished and reinforcing my love of them. My son would acknowledge my presence immediately but my daughter would be completely content with not answering or acknowledging my communication. While delighted in her ability to be perfectly content with self-entertainment, I remained curious about the emotional discomfort I felt anytime I created separation or alienation with her.

One evening while watching a movie, I had an emotional response to this scene where a nun was giving birth to a child, as the tears streamed down my face and my emotions raced a memory flashed into my mind. This was my life, an exact replica. All of my senses, thoughts, emotions and feelings from that lifetime came to me like a flood of information in complete detail. This movie scene was a true life event one I had lived in another lifetime. I felt the release of these pent up emotions of loss and grief that had been suppressed within me. The depth of this emotional release was intense I felt it in my heart and chest. The scene in the movie that awakened this ‘hidden memory’ was of a young nun giving birth and having the child immediately taken from her. I knew instantly, this nun had been impregnated by a high level clergymen, (a detail not spoken in the movie.) Throughout the pregnancy I was isolated in the attic of the convent, where the birthing was occurring. The nuns who assisted in the birth did not speak a word they behaved according to orders of body gestures, as they assisted the delivery and the removal of the baby immediately after it was born. I felt the duality of their compassion for me and my child confused with their commitment to the vows of obedience and servitude to the Lord.
The mother never even got to hold or see her little girl, she only heard her faint cry.

There was ‘knowing’ with every sense in me that I was the mother and my daughter was the child. Within a nanosecond, my relationship with my daughter became very clear. I had all the answers to those previously ‘curious’ emotions that I had experienced. I understood that it was this ‘hidden memory’ of our separation at birth that created this discomfort as the sense of estrangement along with the fear of being separated again. My parenting behavior of needing to reassure my children of my love for them, now made sense to me.

After having this memory I shared it with my daughter and we both have more understanding of our emotional bond and experiences we have shared. The memory experience was and continues to be a marvelous gift of revealment because it has enhanced our relationship and we cherish our time together often feeling like we are making up for lost time. My personal lessons of growth intertwined in this memory have taught me to really understand that life is enfinite and our freedom is greatly expanded through knowledge of self and the meaning of our life.

Being open to our memory is a wonderful gift to oneself as is learning how to open the mind to receiving it.